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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.  We are the president.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the  second half by our children.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human  brain.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an  optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can  tour without an album.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

There is only one nature - the division into science and  engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed,  the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited  capacity to comprehend the whole.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to  students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential  programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of  regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to  students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential  programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of  regeneration.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles  writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's  not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out  of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't  laughing now.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism  by those who don't have it.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can  tour without an album.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your  eyes off your goal.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we  inherit them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with  popcorn.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if  they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if  they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at  weekends.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon  loses both.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong,  will -- at the worst possible moment.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it  harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but  anyone going faster is a maniac?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for  the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house  and renting an apartment.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a  harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to  interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty  girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty  girl.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty  girl.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate  my perfect right.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter  Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,  and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for  the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three  major categories; those that don't work, those that break down  and those that get lost.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that  someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time.  Networks help alleviate that fear.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and  die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything  that counts can be counted.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any  man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any  man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any  man I know.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't  laughing now.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.  Between five, it's fantastic.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Go on, get out.  Last words are for fools who haven't said  enough.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am  right.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for  the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for  the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the  second half by our children.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Be tolerant of the human race.  Your whole family belongs to it  -- and some of your spouse's family too.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

There are many kinds of people in the world.  Are you one of  them?

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human  brain.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit  next to me.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole  government working for you.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate  my perfect right.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means,  it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of  man.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over,  He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over,  He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close  to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first  thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell,  where it is much more comfortable.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world  she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world  she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world  she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you  want to do.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we  inherit them.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of  his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full  humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of  his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full  humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back  on lies.

There are many kinds of people in the world.  Are you one of  them?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with  popcorn.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make  the other *** die for his.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a  chance to get its pants on.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house  and renting an apartment.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll  be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll  be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but  the silence of our friends.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon  loses both.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery  acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let  the other one off.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over,  He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the  richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get  my head that far up my ass.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a  good teacher.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge  me with keeping really good company with Laura.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll  be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll  be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a  chance to get its pants on.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still  carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still  carry a tune.