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Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
The truth is more important than the facts.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
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It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
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Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
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Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
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Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
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Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
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The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the ***-up theory.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
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