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All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
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I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the ***-up theory.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
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It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
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